The words do not want to come.

Another month. Another Monday.

More questions.

Less certainty.

For some time now it’s felt as if everything is about to fall apart. I’ve been standing on the edge for so long, somehow managing to balance. There are all these saying about how things falling apart might be the best thing that’s ever happened to you, but I am extremely doubtful. I think I’d be too tired to build anything out of the rubble.

I know I cling too hard to things sometimes. It’s a side effect of loss.

If I look like I’m not affected by things, it’s because I’m so overwhelmed that I can’t begin to express it.

If this little piece of writing is a little lacking, it’s because I have so many thoughts running around in my head that catching one long enough to get it to stand still is nearly impossible.

I would like to tell you all my secrets, but then I’d have to let them go. And it’s hard to do that when I’m not sure I understand most of them myself.

That’s The Thing…

I subscribe to a blog, get all into it, and then they don’t post for weeks at a time. It’s so frustrating! I want to read!

That must be how you guys feel about me. Sorry 😦

If you follow any good, interesting blogs that post pretty consistently, send me a link so I can check it out.

I was having oddly nostalgic flashbacks to my teen years during my commute the other day. I largely hated my teen years – that is, school and my social life in connection with it, which is a large part of life for your average kid – so I don’t usually long for anything from that time. There’s always both good and bad, though, and every so often I find myself wishing for some moment of my youth, whether or not it was a particularly good one at the time. Now that I’ve been at work a few hours, I can’t remember specifically what had come to mind.

I wonder if it’s simply a “grass is greener” effect – only my current perspective makes me think that I would want any part of my experiences from years ago. Maybe there were other things surrounding those desired moments, things I would give anything never to have lived at all, that I can’t remember now because I can’t see them from where I’m standing.

When we’re younger we want to grow up so badly. When we become adults we want to slow down time, to give ourselves longer to make a name for ourselves at an early age, to be the youngest _____ ever or be the first person to turn into a unicorn or whatever. And I assume there are even some people that just want to skip right to retirement, because then the “hard part” is over.

*Spoiler:* It’s all the hard part.