Think Many Thoughts

Because I haven’t been writing (as usual), but I feel bad about neglecting the blog (bad blogger! No treat for you!), I want to post some of the thoughts that have been running through my head lately. I will not complain about my commute or the MBTA. Just know that I would like to…

The morning needs an extra hour in it. 25-hour days. I need both sleep and time to do stuff, but actually having both is impossible for me. It makes me feel so very put-upon by life. Are there worse things? Sure. But if I had time to just do one productive thing in the morning, I think my days might go better.

My coffee maker is totally inadequate. I want a really good one, maybe Groupon will offer a deal soon.

Speaking of coffee: it would be really cool to be a freelancer and spend so many of my days sitting with my laptop in a coffee shop, sipping a latte or a chai, having finished my allotted food purchase of the day way too early and resisting the urge to buy another… while being productive of course. However, I don’t think this would even be possible, because any time I go into a coffee shop, there is no place to fucking sit. (If my swearing offends you, I am sorry, but it really feels necessary here.) I mean, have you ever actually tried to find a seat at a starbucks? It’s nearly impossible, and there’s always at least one person taking up two or three seats with their stuff or their don’t-come-anywhere-near-me attitude. It’s just selfish. Of course, I’d probably be kind of like that too.

In one of my rooms at Bennington, the desk was just a big plank of wood laid across two bookshelves. Although the lack of drawers was a little annoying, I had so much surface space and all the shelves I needed. I think I’d like to have another desk like that. Or one of those huge ones that turns a corner.

But for now, I could be satisfied with another, wider bookshelf and a shoerack.

I should be writing. I definitely should be writing. Tonight I’m going to write just a few pages. Won’t be too hard.

How do people manage to concentrate at work? I know it’s possible, but it can be so hard, with the very blue sky out the window, random food and drink cravings, and the thoughts that continuously pop into your head, often having nothing to do with the task at hand.

Money is one of the most frustrating aspects of life. I think we should all measure Gross National Happiness, like Bhutan.

And the thought that is almost always floating around in my head, either hovering over everything I’m doing, hanging out in a shadowy corner, or pushing its way to the front: ┬áIt’s certainly possible, in fact it’s likely, that I’m making a fool of myself. I have no idea how it will turn out, and I seem to have no say in it, either. It might come to nothing, leaving me all alone, a little bit emotionally wrecked. But I just can’t help it. The other choice is not an option – maybe I’m just too stubborn to give up, or maybe I’m stupidly hopeful on the basis of nothing at all. Whatever the reason, I am here, and I’m not going anywhere.

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A Langston Hughes Poem

You know the one – it starts “Hold fast to dreams…”

It’s terrible, what we do. We have these dreams, and we let them fall to the wayside as life gets in the way. It doesn’t matter what we really want, because the culmination of our dreams feels so far away that pursuing them just seems pointless – or, at the least, like something that we can just get around to eventually. …Oh, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t say “we,” I should just speak for myself. This is what happens to my dreams.

Dreams are like that cup of coffee you accidentally left on top of the car before driving on the highway. You’re going to have to get another cup, because you’re never getting that one back.

Outside my window, a tree full of green leaves stands out against brick buildings and a uniformly gray sky. I want to be walking the peaceful streets of Cork, back when I was 21 and newly heartbroken and still having an amazing time in Ireland, the one place I had always wanted to go. What would happen if I picked up and moved to Ireland? I mean, aside from having no job and no money and ending up living in a field with a whole lot of sheep – what would my life be if I made that decision? Sometimes I wonder if there could be some way, of which I know nothing, that would make it possible. And as lonely and pained as I would be to once again be somewhere I have no friends or family, I bet I would do it. Ireland calls to me, but I don’t know if I’ll ever get back.

Someday, I Will

I’ve been considering lately how much I would enjoy creating my own publication. Whether it would be a one-time endeavor or an ongoing pursuit, I haven’t decided – perhaps it would have something to do with how it went the first time. Just the idea of creating something from start to finish completely by myself – not including the writing, as it would be a thing requiring submissions from other writers – appeals to me. With my own writing I’d rather it be published by someone else, but I would really enjoy making a publication using other people’s writing.

I might not be the best person to create a largely successful writing publication. I have good editing skills and a good aesthetic sense, and I could create a website that would appeal to readers and would display the writing well. Getting submissions, and then getting it in view for a wide readership, is another story. I don’t know much about publicity, as you could probably tell from looking at the views on this blog. I know things that one can do in theory to publicize a website (or print publication), but they don’t always work as you might expect. I suppose at that point it’s the writing that does the work, and if that part is well-chosen I would certainly get more views.

Of course, this is very speculative. I don’t have money to pay for a domain name, which means that I would most likely have to create another free blog for it – and I have two, and only maintain this one. I would enjoy the experience but it would not be lucrative, and so I’d still have to manage gainful employment. At the moment, such an endeavor might just be too much for me to manage.

I am keeping this idea on the table. “The” meaning my table – my list of things to do. Who knows, maybe I’ll pick it up again a few months from now – or maybe I’ll wait until I’ve got a reliable fan base from works being published, and then start an anthology project, or a semi-annual online literary magazine. I love the idea of this. I will continue to consider it.

What do you think?