Five Things Friday: July 19, 2013

Last Friday, there was still plenty of time left in July. Now, there is barely any (and also barely any money).

It’s been really hot, in the 90s every single day, and, as it’s New England, very humid. Like today. “Feels like 104.” I think the heat this week has really been getting to me. Here is why:

 

1. I have been near unable to get up in the morning. I just feel so sleepy and so unwilling to be awake and step out my door. Not for the reasons Bilbo Baggins cites, but more for the fact that it’s almost impossible to choose clothes when it’s so hot that I really don’t want to wear anything. Why can’t I be one of those girls who doesn’t need a bra?

2. I had such a bad, stupid dream last night. It was basically a terrible soap opera, but it also drew on some aspects of my personal life that make me especially frustrated or worried. Why am I blaming the heat for that? I don’t know, but I’m sure it’s involved somehow. See #1.

3. The second I step outside, it isn’t really so bad, but I’ve barely been outside a minute before my skin is all clammy and I’m sweating from several different places. I don’t like getting sweaty unless I’m working out (and therefore it’s justified) and/or I will be able to change into other clothes very soon. Working up a sweat just from walking and then having to sit in it all day is just not something I want to do.

4. As per #3, walking is not enjoyable. Therefore, what is usually the best part of my workday (yes, I know that’s sad) is made into yet another chore. As a result, this important part of improving my mood does the opposite.

5. Many cold beverages are purchased, and as a result my bank account dwindles. Thus, every time I look at the balance I feel a little more like crying.

 

Is it fall yet?

Think Many Thoughts

Because I haven’t been writing (as usual), but I feel bad about neglecting the blog (bad blogger! No treat for you!), I want to post some of the thoughts that have been running through my head lately. I will not complain about my commute or the MBTA. Just know that I would like to…

The morning needs an extra hour in it. 25-hour days. I need both sleep and time to do stuff, but actually having both is impossible for me. It makes me feel so very put-upon by life. Are there worse things? Sure. But if I had time to just do one productive thing in the morning, I think my days might go better.

My coffee maker is totally inadequate. I want a really good one, maybe Groupon will offer a deal soon.

Speaking of coffee: it would be really cool to be a freelancer and spend so many of my days sitting with my laptop in a coffee shop, sipping a latte or a chai, having finished my allotted food purchase of the day way too early and resisting the urge to buy another… while being productive of course. However, I don’t think this would even be possible, because any time I go into a coffee shop, there is no place to fucking sit. (If my swearing offends you, I am sorry, but it really feels necessary here.) I mean, have you ever actually tried to find a seat at a starbucks? It’s nearly impossible, and there’s always at least one person taking up two or three seats with their stuff or their don’t-come-anywhere-near-me attitude. It’s just selfish. Of course, I’d probably be kind of like that too.

In one of my rooms at Bennington, the desk was just a big plank of wood laid across two bookshelves. Although the lack of drawers was a little annoying, I had so much surface space and all the shelves I needed. I think I’d like to have another desk like that. Or one of those huge ones that turns a corner.

But for now, I could be satisfied with another, wider bookshelf and a shoerack.

I should be writing. I definitely should be writing. Tonight I’m going to write just a few pages. Won’t be too hard.

How do people manage to concentrate at work? I know it’s possible, but it can be so hard, with the very blue sky out the window, random food and drink cravings, and the thoughts that continuously pop into your head, often having nothing to do with the task at hand.

Money is one of the most frustrating aspects of life. I think we should all measure Gross National Happiness, like Bhutan.

And the thought that is almost always floating around in my head, either hovering over everything I’m doing, hanging out in a shadowy corner, or pushing its way to the front: ┬áIt’s certainly possible, in fact it’s likely, that I’m making a fool of myself. I have no idea how it will turn out, and I seem to have no say in it, either. It might come to nothing, leaving me all alone, a little bit emotionally wrecked. But I just can’t help it. The other choice is not an option – maybe I’m just too stubborn to give up, or maybe I’m stupidly hopeful on the basis of nothing at all. Whatever the reason, I am here, and I’m not going anywhere.

Another Life #2

Happiness will be my natural state. Spirited grace will lead every movement I make, and music pour from my lips with every sound. I will pass the time in bliss for the beauty of the world as it is; moments of sadness will only be another kind of beauty. I will be the Goddess of Joy. I will fill my life with adventure, generosity, enjoyment, and wonder. I will make all around me warm and loved.

 

Another life #1

Another Life #1

My home was an island, a small place with a tropical look and a temperate feel. Time passed slowly. Everything was leisure. Not much changed from day to day, but for my face, slightly older every time I saw its reflection in the crystal-blue waters of the surrounding ocean. I didn’t mind. I knew the same people since I was born, and we were family. A small number of people left our island and moved onto it, respectively sent off with tearful joy and welcomed with open hearts. I never fell in love, but I was well loved and I loved greatly. I did not have everything, but I had everything I needed.I pursued creation in many forms – painting, drawing, writing, weaving, cooking. One day I stepped back from a painting and realized with a great sense of accomplishment that I had pictured a perfect sunset. The canvas emanated the light I had painted. Such a small achievement, but it did not seem unimportant to me. I looked back over my life and I was content.