I’ve decided I should re-learn how to write. I want to be able to write like I used to, when without much struggle I would have a concept, a topic or story, and a clear outline of what I wanted to say. That’s not to say I didn’t work at writing, or know where a piece would end up whenever I sat down with my paper or computer, but I always had a starting point.

It seems like now whenever I have an idea, I either forget it instantly or I’m crowded with so many related thoughts that I can’t pick out a narrative stream that I can actually get onto a page. One thought usurps another too fast and I eventually lose track of the main point. I’ve heard, somewhere, that regular journaling can help you make better sense of your thoughts — so, essentially, practicing writing will pay off.

It feels unfair to me though. It all came so naturally once, and while I can’t claim everything I wrote was good, the flow of words and sentences just worked. I could rely on it. All the gears and mechanisms were in place and I could sit down and let my hands express my thoughts.

Even this is a story — the devolution of my writing skills. I hesitate to try to explain how I got to the point where I am now, when I can barely sit down and start. Mainly for fear of being judged, but also because I worry that I won’t be able to get the explanation just right. I find it increasingly difficult to get people to understand what I’m saying, and I wonder how many people I’ve known in my adult life have a very inaccurate picture of who I am because I was not able to say what I meant in the right way.

Now that I think about it, I want to learn to write BETTER than I used to. I want to become good enough to explain my inner world, and the stories it creates, better than I could in the past. Does anyone really want to hear it? I don’t know. Those nagging voices at the edges of awareness are assuring me that no one cares. But as some creators I like have said in the past, if I write a story and only a few people, or even one person, takes something meaningful from it, then it’s worth doing.