May is almost over and I’m stressed again.

I think you guys should check out this blog:

http://aregularcupofjo.wordpress.com/

He left some very nice comments on some of my posts so I went to have a look at his blog, and he writes well and his posts are interesting. If you would like something new to read, check it out.

Luckily I’m only having the average level of stress about work right now. I’ve done all that anyone expected from me for monthly goals, and I’m getting a pretty good start on June, even if it isn’t quite as much as I had hoped. The commute is still awful. It just takes too long, and therefore cuts into either my sleep or my morning routine time.

What I’m really stressed about is (surprise!) money. When the Press hired me full time, and I calculated how much money I would make every month, I completely forgot that I would be taking home far less because now they would actually take taxes out. Which means I won’t be able to catch up on my debt sources nearly as fast as I thought I would.

In addition, I got one of those “you own us taxes” notices, which, DUH. The IRS, I swear, is a collective idiot. But the problem, really, is that I set up an automatic debit to pay in installments at the same time as filing my taxes, and it said that it was accepted, and I got a mailing a bit later that said to wait to contact them about it because sometimes it doesn’t process the first month. The first month it was set to pay was this month, around the twentieth or so, I think. As far as I can tell it didn’t come out. Obviously they want their money. But they should have a damn system that shows them who already was responsible enough to set up payments and therefore shouldn’t be bothered with extra stupid things in the mail.

This reminds me of trying to figure out the financial side of studying abroad. When they didn’t have a payment by a certain date, they don’t send you a first notice saying “send this payment immediately” or anything like that. No, they sent something called a “Termination Notice” (meaning from the study abroad program). Of course, I panicked and called my mom, and it got sorted out and I went abroad. But then I was pissed off, because I thought their method was horrible. College students tend to be pretty stressed out, often depressed, and even more often lacking in money. And you think it’s a good idea to send them a letter saying their plans for next semester are just about to fall apart? Honestly, it seems pretty sick to me.

Even though it’s not something I really want to do, I’m kind of feeling an urge to go live on a hippie commune where everything is done on the barter system and I can trade spontaneous poetry for a backrub (or, something).

Perks!

image

 

I just wanted to share this box of Latvian chocolate I was sent from a freelancing client. (In addition to being paid.) It was so sweet and completely unrequired of them, I really appreciated the thought. I have had ONE piece so far (this will last me a while) and this is good chocolate. Mmmmmm…

For those of you who might have trouble seeing, they’re shaped like roses.

I also finally finished reading the book I was in the middle of for two months. Now on to The Summer Book, which seemed like an appropriate book to read at the end of spring. And before you say it’s basically summer, actually, no, it’s still spring until later in June. Read your calendar.

I picked up The Summer Book  for $3 at the Brattle Book Shop. For more on that, take a look at this post from my other blog. And hey, I just found a New York Review of Books bookmark stuck in it! Bonus.

I still haven’t written anything… at all… with an actual narrative… for a pretty long time. I am rather sad about it and I’d like to say that I will be changing that soon, but… yeah, see my post about being that falling kitten.

In other, perhaps more relevant news, I started taking an online writing course… and decided not to finish it after two weeks. I got the feeling that I would not actually learn anything unless I spent a lot of time in the discussion forums. I had a lot of other things in my life that needed attention, and I wasn’t prepared to give up my free time to a pursuit that involved neither enjoyment nor official obligation. I tried, the class didn’t meet my needs, so I didn’t see a reason to continue. However, I still think that it would be good for me to have a structured writing platform. Or… some other word. See what’s happened to me?

Well, I hope you have some chocolate to enjoy. I’m going to sit around and dream of a chai latte.

This Is Me. I am Kitten.

http://title2come.tumblr.com/post/47105756788/whenever-i-make-writing-goals

 

 

 

I found this new tumblr today that I like. And this post is me exactly. That actually goes for reading goals too. I wanted to read 20 books this year. I even told goodreads I would. I think I’ve read 5 so far. No. Four. Probably including the one I haven’t finished that I started reading in March. *UPDATE: I finally went and checked on goodreads, and actually I’ve only completed two books. I have two in progress right now. Technically I’ve read way more books than that, but the books I read at work don’t count.

…see falling kitten.

If Only I Could

Well, first, I would stick an extra Saturday into this weekend, hoping it would give me time to really get things done. But I never use my time well, so it probably wouldn’t be a good idea.

I wish I could blast off into the sort of life I really want. Everyone tells you how hard life will be, but no one can ever seem to say it in a way that prepares you. No matter how well you think you know how it will go, you’re always underprepared.

I have dreams, man. So many dreams. The larger dreams of course have always been there, they don’t change. But sometimes other dreams pop up and they’re sticking. Some of them might not be possible, but others would be…

  • I want to have clear, perfect skin. I already drink plenty of water, but I suppose I could eat even more fresh fruits and vegetables… but yeah. I want to look in the mirror and see my face without constant, strategically placed blemishes.
  • I want to get a nice digital camera to take artsy pictures with. Not for doing real photography. That would require special lenses, and developing equipment, and all sorts of stuff that I don’t think I would be willing to invest in (at least, not any time soon). But if I could just take some good pictures, with a camera that works better than the crappy one in my phone, maybe I could show you what I see.
  • I want to actually sit down and read the Poets and Writers magazines that have stacked up since I started my subscription. I’ve rarely been really into reading magazines, so even though I’m really excited when they arrive, I tend to put them off to the side and then they don’t get read.

I would let it all go, and maybe I could walk into the sunset at the end of the movie, the big confrontation behind me, the bad guy defeated. Ever wonder, at the end of those movies, whether it really ends there and the cowboy can just go about his business in peace, or do you think another old western outlaw will show up before too long?

I would tell you. But I don’t like to think of what might happen…

 

If there was a crystal ball of some kind that could just give me some idea of where certain choices would lead, I would take a look. Sometimes not knowing has a paralyzing effect. I guess the devil you know… you know the rest. Or, rather, the adequacy you know, the good things about now, are not worth giving up for something that might leave you behind square one. Or something like that.

I feel as if I don’t know how to write anymore. I have too many thoughts, and none of them are properly distinguished from one another, so when I try to get them out, other ones come along with it, like trying to pull out a leaf and instead taking the whole vine. And asking for help? Please. Do you know me at all?

Believe Me: You Are Not Inadequate

I wonder, sometimes, how many times I will have to see, hear, tell myself this before it really sinks in…

It’s impossible to do EVERYTHING, but it always seems that there’s someone who can manage to have every aspect of their life together so why can’t you? What’s wrong with you, that you can’t do all those things?

The real answer is nothing, and while that’s simple to understand it’s hard to really believe.

Feminists-at-Large

by Morgan McDaniel

“I never feel good enough,” my classmate said. “I always feel like my friends are doing more impressive things than I am.  No matter what I do, I always feel inadequate.”

It was the last session of class for the semester, and the tone had become intimate and confessional. The professor nodded.  “Okay. Who else feels that way?”

I raised my hand and timidly looked around me.  The class was mostly women, including ones I greatly admired – women I had compared myself to before raising my hand.  Every single hand was raised.

At that moment, I felt both huge relief and deep sadness.  Relief in realizing that I wasn’t alone, and sadness that so many others must feel the same overwhelming pressures that I did to meet an unreachable standard.

The second semester of my junior year, coming back from a semester abroad and feeling isolated…

View original post 939 more words

The Day I Wish I’d Had Today

I woke up around 8 o’clock, feeling pretty well-rested. I smiled as I slowly pushed my comforter over to one side, thinking of coffee.

I took my time to brew the coffee just right, put together an omelet with roasted red peppers, sliced up some mango, and took it all over to my computer. Breakfast is never complete without the internet.

An hour an a half later, I finally finished my coffee. It is the perfect amount of time two drink two mugs full. Coffee and leisure go so much better together than coffee and obligation: this makes everyday life somewhat unfortunate, as people grab a coffee to go sit down at a job that they find often boring at best, and rarely exciting or desirable.

A nice hot shower completes my long wake-up ritual. I know I’m taking a little too long to decide what to wear. By now it’s about 10:30, but that’s ok. There’s still plenty of time left in the day.

Unfortunately, I need groceries. Better to take care of that now, or I’ll end up putting it off even longer. But I only really need a few things, so it won’t take too long. I grab the essentials; stuff for breakfast, fresh fruit and vegetables, and some kind of dinner protein. I will admit that I really like returning from the grocery store, when at last I have lots of fresh food on hand.

If I leave quickly, I can make it to a mid-day yoga class. I grab the essentials and head out the door. It’s still kind of rainy, so I jump on the bus to get there, which means I’m earlier than I expected. I stretch for a bit and settle down on my mat to wait. Yoga is calming and allows my concerns about what happened yesterday or the day before to go to the corner and think about what they’ve done, until I have time to deal with them. I feel nice and centered at the end, hoping it would last at least a little while after I got home.

Lunch was the priority after I reached my kitchen, of course, so I made myself a salad with my fresh groceries, tossed with a bit of olive oil and lemon, and consumed it enthusiastically with a lot of water to drink.

When I was done I felt like lying down, but I wasn’t in the mood to nap. I worked a little on organizing the piles of stuff that I haven’t had a chance to address for too long.

Apparently I’m having a REALLY good day, because now all I can think about is writing. I decide to take my computer to the cafe down the street so that I won’t be tempted by the distraction of the internet. A cup of chai to keep me company, I start typing away. I don’t really know if any of it’s good. I’ll have to read it later and decide. But I’m writing, and that makes me happy. I make words. Being creative feeds me so much more than the things we always do to waste time, because our brains get so exhausted just trying to get through this world that we have no energy left to create anything. Letting myself be entertained is the easy way. It’s just lazy to do that instead of create. And to some extent I do need that break for my brain, but I think, like most people these days, I take it too far. How amazing it feels to be able to just sit and write.

Several hours have passed. Time for a late dinner, a short workout, and then maybe I’ll do some more organizing and read a bit.

*None of these things happened today. Today is not a good day. I have been so frustrated lately, and I feel like I don’t have the time to do the things I really want, and when I do, I don’t have the energy. I want to be able to stop time. I don’t care about the extra aging. People live too  long anyway. I’d rather have enough time in a day to feel like I can actually get things done.

All Potential, No Realization?

I wondered aloud the other day if I should try just starting on all the writing projects that have been bouncing around in my head for ages, and working on whichever one appealed to me at the time. I’ve been considering this approach for a while, never actually trying it because it seems like I’d never finish anything, and I’d just have hundreds of unfinished stories waiting for completion on my computer or in my papers. 

The thing is, I already don’t finish anything now, without having multiple projects currently in progress (in terms of me doing any regular work on them, that is). And I keep having new ideas. So many ideas. Maybe it really would make more sense to just start all of the projects, and see what happens. 

 

Any thoughts? Any hope?