Some days you feel the weight more than others. The phrase is usually “a weight on the heart/soul.” Wherever this metaphysical burden is resting, you feel it in your body. It’s painful. You want to run wild and lie still at the same time, pull on your hair or scratch at your skin.
I’m restless. Calm is becoming a distant memory, near-constant anxiety taking its place. But I did fall asleep last night.
I’ve heard that people are in life just where they want to be. People have what they want to have. I think that’s very true and also very untrue. Like Nature Vs. Nurture. Why does one preclude the other?
“Don’t you want good things?” Yes, I want good things. I want all good things and happiness and peace.
“Art comes from pain.” I can write from the memory of it just as well as from a current experience. Better, perhaps – more intention in the writing with some distance from the feeling.
I wanted to look up the roots and origination of the word “melancholy,” but you need a membership for the OED. Or a physical copy – good luck with that one…
Virginia Woolf, one of the greatest writers of all time, killed herself. She walked into the ocean with stones in her pockets. She had a thing about the ocean. Wrote a book, called it The Waves. It was about people, actually, about experience? Or about struggling. One of the characters died. I can’t remember how.
Who is responsible for all of this? Higher powers, with names or without them? An old man in the sky? Or, much more realistically, a power the form of which is not even remotely like human? Is it fate, or chance? Is it me?
If it is… is that the weight?
I’ve been depressed most of my life. I take meds for that, or I wouldn’t be here. Simple as that. Some folks have diabetes, I have brain chemistry problems. It’s a physical illness in my case. For other people it’s a temporary situation. Mine is permanent.
I believe the Bible, which says that God made us in his image, so I guess he must take some responsibility. And he does; if you believe the Bible, it’s all there. You probably know the story of Adam and Eve. God knows everything, so he knew when he created them that they would choose to disobey; and his plan to redeem them (and us) was ready and waiting from the beginning. The weight you feel may be the God-likeness in you longing for your Creator. The Holy Spirit may be calling you, wooing you. God wants you to have all he plans for you and more than you could ever think or imagine. Blessings to you, Deva…